Tag Archives: time

Five Minute Friday – Here

1. Write for 5 minutes flat – no editing, no over thinking, no backtracking.
2. Link back here and invite others to join in.
3. And then absolutely, no ifs, ands or buts about it, you need to visit the person who linked up before you & encourage them in their comments. Seriously. That is, like, the rule. And the fun. And the heart of this community..

OK, are you ready? Please give me your best five minutes on:

Here…

There’s no question that I am here today because of grace.

The week has been a crazy blur of VBS, day camp, work, fast-food dinners, a funeral, and the Olympics. Days that began at 7am and ended around midnight.

Days where you…

  • stretch out onto the bed and pray the next day will be better. And then wonder if there is a service that would come and wash the sheets… because you know they need to be cleaned and then realize you’re the service and that it’s not going to happen this week.
  • live out of the stacked clean clothes on the coffee table because there’s no time for putting them away. But feeling successful that they are clean and folded which is a  pretty big deal.
  • snap at others and wish you could go back in time and do it differently.
  • eat all your meals out because you’re literally not home long enough to make anything… to your kids’ delight.
  • look at the hanging plants and consider watering them, knowing you won’t and then decide that next week they should be thrown away anyway because their crispy brown leaves scream to everyone that enters, “I’m dead!”
  • tell yourself over and over to just make it to Saturday knowing it’s the only day you will get a decent night of sleep. Hopefully.
  • step over clothes on the floor, push crumbs off counters for the dog to eat, and ignore the things growing in the toilet. And quite possibly the shower and tub.
  • are overwhelmed by just getting the trash to the curb. And then getting the can back to the side of the house.
  • stay up much later than you know you should and promise to do better the next day but you don’t.

Each day brought its’ own emotions for each of us.

But we’re here and we’re thankful. Thankful that regardless if the plants get watered or the trash cans get put up, my value does not rest in what I do but rather in whom my heart trusts.

 

Time Doesn’t Make it Easier

This past weekend I spent time in Brazoria, my home town. The place where I learned and grew and was loved. Going home always brings back good memories of family, friends, school, and church. Yes, there are those few negative things from the past, but for the most part, my childhood was filled with happy memories. A true blessing.

Many of those happy memories are of my grandmother, Nanny, as we called her. Her given name was Nellie Elizabeth. So beautiful. She passed away in 1994, a memory that is forever written on my heart. I loved her and still do.

People often say that “time heals all wounds”. I have found that to be false, for me anyway. Time does not make death easier. I think about her most days. Something she used to do that I found funny, the “programs” she used to watch, the fried chicken that she made better than anyone… ever… but mainly how she loved. And gave.

This weekend I took a walk to her grave. I go every time I visit my parents and every time it’s the same. Me telling her about my life. Me crying. Me asking her about heaven. Me crying. Me explaining the events of the past year. Me crying. Me asking her questions that I know she can’t answer about how she survived being a single Mom.  Me walking away with a huge empty feeling because she’s not here.

If time truly “healed” then I’d think that 17 years would be an appropriate time to start feeling better. But it hasn’t. I still miss her and sometimes it hurts just as much as when I said goodbye next to her hospital bed in ’94.

I’m pretty sure that any kind of “death” stays with you, be it physical death, the death of your health, the death of your marriage, or the death of a friendship. I do think that “time heals” for those that were not immediately affected. But for those it’s happening to or close family and friends, it doesn’t.

Of course that’s just my opinion and my experience.

32 Minutes

Over the past 32 minutes (I get that “exact-ness” from my Dad), I have gone from feeling blessed, satisfied, content and even happy to bawling and feeling like God has forgotten me. That He and everyone else is too busy and do not really care what happens within my four walls.

Did anything change? Absolutely not. So what happened between 9:01 and 9:33? My thoughts, that’s what happened.

There’s a reason that Phil. 4:8 is in the bible- “Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.

My thoughts were telling me that this Christmas will be the worst holiday I’ve ever had, that no one really cares about the loneliness of the holidays, that I should feel guilty that I am even thinking of myself when it’s Jesus’ day, that the kids will be disappointed with their gifts, that I should be more successful, that I need to go back into teaching so that I can support my kids on my own, that something is wrong with me which is why I am alone, etc.

When I purposely began to think of the TRUTH, the loneliness, fear, sadness, and depression left. I absolutely know that none of those things are true. I do. No one has to convince me. I know. I know in the deepest places in my soul. I know, because I know what God says about me and those things do not line up with any of it. It’s just all crap. (sorry about the language)

I know that I am blessed. I am loved. I have amazing friends and family who continually surprise me by their love. I am beautiful. I am working right where I need to be. I know the kids will be thrilled with their gifts…Not that it’s about that, but I do know they will be thankful for anything they get. (That’s just their hearts and I so love that about each of them.) I know God sings over me. That He fights for me and thinks I’m worth fighting for. I know I am alone by choice. I also know that even though this Christmas will be different and will bring with it sadness, it does not have to define the entire holiday.

Are things amazing? No. Are they terrible? No. They are what they are. But my circumstances do not need to define me and in my stronger moments they don’t.

And now that those 32 minutes of yuck are over I am feeling joyful and hopeful. Whew… on to better things. :)