Tag Archives: sadness

Grieving

eyeThis post is a continuation of my story. It’s a fairy tale… with a twist.

Saying “yes” to the proposal was a rush. A very good one. To get caught up go here…and then read “up”. Or just start here . Either way, thanks for stopping by. In all my “My Story” posts, names have been changed for privacy; hence, the *.

Unfortunately, *Justin’s dad passed away. Because we had been dating for years and I truly adored his dad, losing his dad was devastating.

I was not “officially” part of the family, so I was not included in some of the family gatherings. I completely understood, and still do, but it left me to grieve alone. And because he wasn’t officially my father-in-law, I could not take off work. My assistant, at the time, was so gracious. She would step in to teach, when I couldn’t. She gave me space and permission to cry. She was my rock. My safe place to land each day. Looking back on that time, I know she was God’s grace to me. A “for such a time as this” person.

Of course, all wedding planning was on hold. My mind could not even consider planning something so joyous in the midst of all the sadness. Grieving needed to happen. And it did. Lots of it. Mostly in the shadows of the night where only God knew the depths of grief. But again, his Grace was sufficient and His presence evident. I knew I was not alone.

During the months that followed, I watched a grieving family cling to each other. To support and love each other in ways that had not happened before. Grief and loss does that.  It burns away all the things that don’t matter and leaves behind what does. Family.

And this family would soon be mine, as well.

And then the sadness comes… AGAIN

divorce_sucks001This morning I read Jen Hatmaker’s blog about marriage – Growing Up Together. If you’ve not read it and you’re married, she has some good advice. If you’re single, maybe you shouldn’t read it. I only say that because it kinda wrecked me today. Reading about marriages that are strong or have come through a lot but are still together is like a reminder every single time about what I no longer have.

Granted, there was some not-so-good things (ok, let’s just say it… crappy) that happened but for the first 8 years or so I was the luckiest girl on the planet. He was sexy, talented, funny, and my best friend. There are days that I still miss my best friend. Today is one of those days. Ugh.

No one tells you when you’re getting divorced that you’ll still have sad days… even three years later. I’d like to think that it eventually goes away but for those who married their first love and was passionate about the marriage and the spouse, I think it may linger longer. Unfortunately.

Just as there is no handbook for grief, there’s no handbook for divorce. It’s hard and it hurts. There’s really nothing anyone can say that takes away that deep, down sadness and hurt that comes up on occasion. And that’s OK. Feeling it and giving yourself the freedom to be sad is just part of moving out of that stage of grief – again.

There are those that will think you need to just suck it up and move on. Or they’ll think you’re being too dramatic or needing attention or whining. What they think doesn’t matter. What matters is that you are honest with yourself and others. Don’t pretend all is well when it’s not. That will only make you feel isolated.

One of the things that helps me on days like today is meditating on God’s Word. Something that is true and unchanging. Because honestly, my emotions can go ALL over the place and I need something stable. And let’s face it, just because we feel something doesn’t mean it’s true. (Reminding myself of that fact today.)

Here’s the verse I’m meditating on today and praying tomorrow is a hope-filled day:

“The Lord makes firm the steps of the one who delights in him; though he may stumble, he will not fail, for the Lord upholds him with his hand.” -Psalm 37:23-24

Stand strong, my friend.

…and then there are days….

There are some days I feel that if I had just stayed in bed the day would have been perfectly fine. But today I didn’t and the day wasn’t.

In all honesty, there are just some days that are not victorious. There are tears, frustrations, and irritation with others. Some days I keep my mouth shut and other days I wish I had.

Days, that despite my determination, head South; to a place that is not healthy or good. For some reason, days like this seem to drone on and bedtime is a welcomed end. Spreading out on the bed, under my cold sheets, protected from the world as I hug my teddy bear, I can ponder what went wrong.

As I close my eyes to the day, I thank God for what I do have and what did go right, even if it’s a tiny sliver of a moment. A hug from one of my children, pants that fit, or having chocolate when I needed it.