Tag Archives: memory

Five Minute Friday – Remember

5-minute-friday-11. Write for 5 minutes flat – no editing, no over thinking, no backtracking. (OK, I have to edit, I just do.) 2. Link back here and invite others to join in. 3. Then visit the person who linked up before you & encourage them in their comments.

Please give me your best five minutes on:

REMEMBER…

Photo courtesy of Tomasz Tuszko on Flickr

Photo courtesy of Tomasz Tuszko on Flickr

It was a Sunday and I, of course, was at church. There because my parents drove me there as they did every Sunday. And Wednesday. And any other time the doors were open.

Sitting in the back the tears came. I was on the right looking up at the choir. Sitting there as a teenager in high school feeling as though my world was ending. I’d kept it together for weeks but the stress wore me down and all I could do was cry. And then I caught his eye.

Before I knew it he was out of the choir and I was ushered into the hallway. That part happened so quickly. My memory fails me at that part – of how I actually made it out of the sanctuary. The arms that wrapped around me that morning let me know that I was not alone. That he could be trusted with my secret. He had come down from the choir in the middle of a service. For those of you not raised in a Baptist Church a LONG time ago you probably won’t get the weight of that moment. I knew it. He knew it. But he did that for me anyway. His voice would be missed and questions would be asked as he approached a sobbing teenager.

My thoughts spilled out as I recalled all that was weighing on my heart. He listened. And hugged. And rescued me from something I couldn’t do myself.

He’s been doing that for years and for that he’s my hero. Just when life seems to want to swallow me up… in comes the one God entrusted me to… my dad.

Oh how I remember that morning in a baptist church in Brazoria, TX.

Milestones

Turning over, sitting up, crawling, walking, talking, riding a bike, writing your name, reading… all milestones. Some I have pictures of and some I don’t.

There are others that cannot be captured by a picture. Those that include learning to empathize, choosing to share, applying your faith, forgiving someone that has hurt you, forgiving yourself, and so many others that prick the hearts of parents. Moments when you see your children excel in things other than reading, writing, science and math. I’m not minimizing the importance of learning (I was a teacher, remember?) but rather trying to remember those things that are learned through life. Those character lessons that normally come through pain.

I have found that I am becoming more and more like my grandmother. We rarely had the opportunity to visit her (she lived in Washington State) but when we did I noticed that she would tear up about most things. She cried when we hugged her, cried when she shared memories, cried at special occasions, and cried when we said goodbye. I completely understood the goodbye cry. Goodbyes are not my favorite. Lately, though, I find myself crying at milestones… mainly the character building type that I see in my children.

I cried when Kenneth prayed that his friend could forgive him, cried when Brooke shared something that was really important to her with someone else without being told, cried when the kids and I talked about meeting the baby(possibly babies) in Heaven that I lost, and cried when Morgan and I discussed baptism. There are many others (I’m sure my kids would be agreeing with me on that about now… and laughing…).

Maybe it’s that I am learning for the first time to feel my emotions. To realize that it’s OK to be emotional and that “too emotional” should not ever be spoken again. That God made me unique and with a tender heart that feels deeply.

One day my children will hold their children and watch them reach milestones… and they’ll cry or feel that deep twinge in their hearts. And I pray that as they do they’ll remember their Mommy who loved them enough to cry and celebrate their milestones. A Mommy who cared. A Mommy who loved. A Mommy who sacrificed. A Mommy just like my grandmother and my mom :)

Being a Mommy has been the most difficult yet most rewarding job I’ve ever had. God certainly knew what he was doing when he created a Mommy’s heart.

32 Minutes

Over the past 32 minutes (I get that “exact-ness” from my Dad), I have gone from feeling blessed, satisfied, content and even happy to bawling and feeling like God has forgotten me. That He and everyone else is too busy and do not really care what happens within my four walls.

Did anything change? Absolutely not. So what happened between 9:01 and 9:33? My thoughts, that’s what happened.

There’s a reason that Phil. 4:8 is in the bible- “Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.

My thoughts were telling me that this Christmas will be the worst holiday I’ve ever had, that no one really cares about the loneliness of the holidays, that I should feel guilty that I am even thinking of myself when it’s Jesus’ day, that the kids will be disappointed with their gifts, that I should be more successful, that I need to go back into teaching so that I can support my kids on my own, that something is wrong with me which is why I am alone, etc.

When I purposely began to think of the TRUTH, the loneliness, fear, sadness, and depression left. I absolutely know that none of those things are true. I do. No one has to convince me. I know. I know in the deepest places in my soul. I know, because I know what God says about me and those things do not line up with any of it. It’s just all crap. (sorry about the language)

I know that I am blessed. I am loved. I have amazing friends and family who continually surprise me by their love. I am beautiful. I am working right where I need to be. I know the kids will be thrilled with their gifts…Not that it’s about that, but I do know they will be thankful for anything they get. (That’s just their hearts and I so love that about each of them.) I know God sings over me. That He fights for me and thinks I’m worth fighting for. I know I am alone by choice. I also know that even though this Christmas will be different and will bring with it sadness, it does not have to define the entire holiday.

Are things amazing? No. Are they terrible? No. They are what they are. But my circumstances do not need to define me and in my stronger moments they don’t.

And now that those 32 minutes of yuck are over I am feeling joyful and hopeful. Whew… on to better things. :)