Tag Archives: loss

Time Doesn’t Make it Easier

This past weekend I spent time in Brazoria, my home town. The place where I learned and grew and was loved. Going home always brings back good memories of family, friends, school, and church. Yes, there are those few negative things from the past, but for the most part, my childhood was filled with happy memories. A true blessing.

Many of those happy memories are of my grandmother, Nanny, as we called her. Her given name was Nellie Elizabeth. So beautiful. She passed away in 1994, a memory that is forever written on my heart. I loved her and still do.

People often say that “time heals all wounds”. I have found that to be false, for me anyway. Time does not make death easier. I think about her most days. Something she used to do that I found funny, the “programs” she used to watch, the fried chicken that she made better than anyone… ever… but mainly how she loved. And gave.

This weekend I took a walk to her grave. I go every time I visit my parents and every time it’s the same. Me telling her about my life. Me crying. Me asking her about heaven. Me crying. Me explaining the events of the past year. Me crying. Me asking her questions that I know she can’t answer about how she survived being a single Mom.  Me walking away with a huge empty feeling because she’s not here.

If time truly “healed” then I’d think that 17 years would be an appropriate time to start feeling better. But it hasn’t. I still miss her and sometimes it hurts just as much as when I said goodbye next to her hospital bed in ’94.

I’m pretty sure that any kind of “death” stays with you, be it physical death, the death of your health, the death of your marriage, or the death of a friendship. I do think that “time heals” for those that were not immediately affected. But for those it’s happening to or close family and friends, it doesn’t.

Of course that’s just my opinion and my experience.

Numbers

So many numbers scroll through my head like some strange, new number line that only holds meaning to ONE.

2005, 4, 2003, 7, 2001, 9, 2006, 20, 14.5, 10, 1995, 72, 35, 40, 92, 7, 2, 12, 1986, 42, 1990, 1985, 3, etc.

The list could and will go on. An endless array of randomness that is not really random at all. To others it is just a list of random numbers, but to me they represent important memories and moments that have occurred over the past 42 years.

Some bring tears of joy and some bring a sting of pain. The emotions of each number can still my heart. In fact, with some I have to remind myself to breathe. To remind myself that God is bigger than any number. Any emotion. Any breath.

I often get caught up in the numbers of my life instead of living in each moment. So for today I focus on 1. ONE second, ONE minute, ONE day.

Because there will soon be new numbers that will be added to my list. Whether they be full of hurt or full of joy I trust in the One who has walked with me through the others… ONE step at a time.