Tag Archives: hurt

When you still feel like you are family… but you’re not

*From www.wikipedia.com

For those who do not know the journey that happens after the divorce, be thankful. Very thankful. Often I hear or read, “I just want this all to be over“. Of course they are referring to the actual divorce and I had the exact same thought… once  hundreds of times. But unfortunately, it’s not just a one time deal and anyone going through it “gets it” very quickly. You don’t say in relief, “Oh yeah, I did that once – or twice. Moved on.” Well, I guess there are some that do but that, in itself, is sad.

How’s that for encouragement? Ugh, I know! But I’m serious and the pain that continues to hurt is real and I’m sure there are others that would agree. Surely I’m not the only one. Surely.

Yes, I’ve forgiven. Yes, I’m building a “new life” with new dreams and yes, I have a strong faith but the bottom line is that I am human and I hurt. It does lessen as time goes on but time doesn’t heal all wounds. That English proverb always irritated me a bit because it makes something extremely painful sound trite. No one in pain wants to hear it.

The most recent pain? Feeling like you are still part of the family except you’re not. No matter how great your relationship is and/or was with your “former family” the truth is, you are no longer part of that core family. No matter how close you once were, no matter how the divorce played out, no matter how much you may love them and vice versa, no matter how many times you are told that “you are still family to me/us”. The bottom line is… you’re not. I’m not. You/I may even carry the same last name but when it comes down to the nuts and bolts of “family” you eventually become the outsider. The one that doesn’t know all the ins and outs of the family anymore. You are outside the “Circle of Trust” as it’s called in the movie, Meet The Parents.

Reality can reach up and bite my heart sometimes. I hate those times. I really do.

It’s times like these that I go back to my thankful list and remind myself of what I DO have, not what I don’t.

I DO have…

  • A family who loves me and supports me.
  • Three children who bring LOTS of joy.
  • A church family that not only loves on me but my children as well.
  • Friends who make me laugh… and I need that.
  • Friends who tell me the truth… and I need that, too.
  • A God that tells me I am in HIS family and what can be better than that?

OK, so it still hurts but when I constantly go back to giving thanks in everything, I am brought back to a place of thanksgiving and peace.

Be cheerful no matter what; pray all the time; thank God no matter what happens. This is the way God wants you who belong to Christ Jesus to live. -1 Thessalonians 5:18, The Message

Small Steps

A few months ago as I walked into my bedroom and saw my bridal portrait, I realized that eventually I would need to take it down. Not because that’s what you do when you get divorced and not because it brought up hurtful feelings, but because it reminded me of all the fun I enjoyed in my marriage. Those feelings are the ones that are harder for me to deal with, not the anger and betrayal. Basically, I miss the good times. And we did have them. Lots of them. I was crazy in love from the first time we met.

Walking through Lifeway Bookstore one day, I spotted a canvass that was painted with the end of the verse in Zephaniah 3:17, “The Lord your God is with you, He is might to save. He will take great delight in you, He will quiet you with His love, He will rejoice over you with singing.” That verse has been a great comfort for me and so my quest to re-create that canvass began, knowing that it would be the perfect replacement for my portrait. By the week’s end the outside of my canvass was done, but I just couldn’t get the writing on it and so it sat. And sat. And still sits.

Fast forward a few months. Last Saturday I was helping my son rearrange his room to accommodate a desk his dad got for him. His room is tiny, so fitting in another piece of furniture was tricky. As I pulled out his dresser, I spotted the quilt squares I had framed when I was pregnant with my firstborn. Those frames have been sitting there collecting dust for years. As soon as I spotted the blue one, I knew that was what I wanted in my room.

On Monday afternoon I took my bridal portrait down and replaced it with the quilt square. It was sad, but healing all the same. It’s been two years so I guess that’s what they mean about taking small steps. You’re not ready until you’re ready. No one can say how long it will take when you’re grieving.

Now when I walk into my room I remember my grandmother. Her strength as a single Mom back when divorce was not discussed. I remember her humor. Her servant heart. Her crazy love of Christmas (which of course she passed along in the genes, lol). Her forgiving heart. Her beauty. Her fire. Her love of life. Her passion for her Savior.

Stopping this morning on my way out, I looked at the quilt square and smiled. All those small steps, including this one, have moved me forward. Maybe not as quickly as I would have liked, but forward just the same. :)

Can’t We All Just Get Along?

I’ve been noticing lately that several posts on FaceBook have been other people making fun of someone else or their lifestyle. I’m pretty sure the people posting comments like that wouldn’t say that face to face, or at least I hope not.

What happened to getting along? To being respectful to others? To upholding the dignity of others? I mean, really, if we are truly honest with ourselves we are neither God, nor are we perfect. Everyone that walks this life has issues. We are all weird in our own way. All have quirks that most would find annoying. All wanting love. All seeking some kind of happiness. And although some may not be able to admit it, we are all equal. ALL.

Maybe those that make those posts are really the unhappy ones. Maybe they feel the need to try and get people to agree with them so they feel better about themselves. I don’t know, but it seems to be a growing trend… and it’s sad.

A few years ago, I learned the phrase, “Live and Let Live”. Once I finally “got it”, it was one of the most freeing lessons in my life thus far.  Most people are doing their best. Whether or not I agree with what they are doing is not my business. There are extremes… like those that hurt others. That’s different. I’m talking about the general population of people. Those you see working, serving, driving, living, etc.

I am constantly reminded that we are ALL created from the same hand. No one of us is better than another. Making fun of someone’s appearance, parenting, possessions, etc. is just plain wrong. It’s assuming you have the answers for someone else. Honestly, most of us don’t have the answers for ourselves, much less someone else. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve done it. I’m just as guilty, but the older I get the more I realize that we really could all just get along if we learned that the ONLY person we can change is ourselves. And I’m pretty sure we all have things that would take us the rest of our lives to work on instead of trying to “fix” someone else.

OK… now… let’s play nice and get along :)