Tag Archives: hard

When Monday Lasts All Week

MondayThe week started as any other – on a Monday. For some reason it never left that beginning.

For those of you who follow me on Facebook, most of this will not be new. The events unfolded one after another almost as if someone were throwing darts right at me. It has been painful, to say the least. In fact, last night one of my best friends texted me to say, “At this point, I actually catch my breath when I see a text from you because I’m scared! THAT is a crappy week, no doubt!” Yep, truth. Funny and sad.

Last night a neighbor stopped by and when I opened the door, the tears begin to fall. Mine, not hers. I felt so bad for her. There she was just popping by, only to get an emotional mess greeting her at the front door. I’d just burnt my finger after a very unsuccessful dinner with my kids. She hugged me and prayed for me right there. It was just what I needed. A God-send for sure. And as God would have it, her husband is a plumber and they were coming to check on my “situation”. The situation of my hot water heater leaking and the complete take-over of my attic by small woodland creatures.

Then there are the bright spots among all the YUCK this week that reminds me that I’m not alone (even though I know I’m not… being reminded is very helpful). Family and friends who were there to help and blessed me along the way. And a reminder that God is not surprised by anything that has happened this week. In fact, he already had things in place to help me through… even if one of those is my tax return. Not through it all yet, but praying it ends soon. Please.

On the way to school this morning I apologized to my children for my attitude last night. Because it wasn’t good. I told them that I am choosing to see the mice as a blessing. If it weren’t for them, I wouldn’t have gone into the attic to see the water leaking out of the hot water heater. I explained that sometimes things happen that seem bad but that God ALWAYS looks out after us and can work ANYTHING out for our good. I’m pretty sure my son thought I’d lost it by the look on his face. I probably have. I blame it on my noisy refrigerator, the leaking water heater, and the mice. Lots and lots of mice. Um, yeah.

But seriously, I also recognize that some of what is going on is God’s grace. Grace so big that I don’t really understand it all. Without going into personal details, there are things and people that God is slowly taking away from me. It’s been awfully painful. And yesterday I found out about another person in my life that will be moving to another country. (That makes THREE. Yes, three friends who have been with me in the THICK of my emotions and ALL THREE will be in different countries. Another country? Really?) That fact pushed me over my emotional edge. Sometimes it just seems too much. But I know in my heart God takes away for a reason. To be honest, I know the reason but it doesn’t make it easier.

This morning as I waited for the last minute to get out of my warm covers (still can’t believe it was that cold in April), I emailed my friend a reply in response to an email I sent last night about grieving. In it I wrote – Even in my crying I hold onto knowing that although I cannot understand it, I must trust His heart. He’s been nothing but good to me.”  And the truth is… I fiercely trust his heart. Even in the midst of a week of Mondays.

Sometimes life is not fun or adventurous or exciting. It’s hard and sad and basically just sucks. Choosing how I look at the hard part is what will get me through even the crappiest of days… and weeks… and even years. So today I’m choosing to hang onto the God who not only parts seas but cares enough to save my house from a flood and an army of mice. And the one that chooses to bless me when I don’t deserve it in the midst of it all.

*My memory verse for the past two weeks has been extremely helpful this week – Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be frightened, and do not be dismayed, for the LORD your God is with you wherever you go. Joshua 1:9

Time Doesn’t Make it Easier

This past weekend I spent time in Brazoria, my home town. The place where I learned and grew and was loved. Going home always brings back good memories of family, friends, school, and church. Yes, there are those few negative things from the past, but for the most part, my childhood was filled with happy memories. A true blessing.

Many of those happy memories are of my grandmother, Nanny, as we called her. Her given name was Nellie Elizabeth. So beautiful. She passed away in 1994, a memory that is forever written on my heart. I loved her and still do.

People often say that “time heals all wounds”. I have found that to be false, for me anyway. Time does not make death easier. I think about her most days. Something she used to do that I found funny, the “programs” she used to watch, the fried chicken that she made better than anyone… ever… but mainly how she loved. And gave.

This weekend I took a walk to her grave. I go every time I visit my parents and every time it’s the same. Me telling her about my life. Me crying. Me asking her about heaven. Me crying. Me explaining the events of the past year. Me crying. Me asking her questions that I know she can’t answer about how she survived being a single Mom.  Me walking away with a huge empty feeling because she’s not here.

If time truly “healed” then I’d think that 17 years would be an appropriate time to start feeling better. But it hasn’t. I still miss her and sometimes it hurts just as much as when I said goodbye next to her hospital bed in ’94.

I’m pretty sure that any kind of “death” stays with you, be it physical death, the death of your health, the death of your marriage, or the death of a friendship. I do think that “time heals” for those that were not immediately affected. But for those it’s happening to or close family and friends, it doesn’t.

Of course that’s just my opinion and my experience.