A few months ago as I walked into my bedroom and saw my bridal portrait, I realized that eventually I would need to take it down. Not because that’s what you do when you get divorced and not because it brought up hurtful feelings, but because it reminded me of all the fun I enjoyed in my marriage. Those feelings are the ones that are harder for me to deal with, not the anger and betrayal. Basically, I miss the good times. And we did have them. Lots of them. I was crazy in love from the first time we met.
Walking through Lifeway Bookstore one day, I spotted a canvass that was painted with the end of the verse in Zephaniah 3:17, “The Lord your God is with you, He is might to save. He will take great delight in you, He will quiet you with His love, He will rejoice over you with singing.” That verse has been a great comfort for me and so my quest to re-create that canvass began, knowing that it would be the perfect replacement for my portrait. By the week’s end the outside of my canvass was done, but I just couldn’t get the writing on it and so it sat. And sat. And still sits.
Fast forward a few months. Last Saturday I was helping my son rearrange his room to accommodate a desk his dad got for him. His room is tiny, so fitting in another piece of furniture was tricky. As I pulled out his dresser, I spotted the quilt squares I had framed when I was pregnant with my firstborn. Those frames have been sitting there collecting dust for years. As soon as I spotted the blue one, I knew that was what I wanted in my room.
On Monday afternoon I took my bridal portrait down and replaced it with the quilt square. It was sad, but healing all the same. It’s been two years so I guess that’s what they mean about taking small steps. You’re not ready until you’re ready. No one can say how long it will take when you’re grieving.
Now when I walk into my room I remember my grandmother. Her strength as a single Mom back when divorce was not discussed. I remember her humor. Her servant heart. Her crazy love of Christmas (which of course she passed along in the genes, lol). Her forgiving heart. Her beauty. Her fire. Her love of life. Her passion for her Savior.
Stopping this morning on my way out, I looked at the quilt square and smiled. All those small steps, including this one, have moved me forward. Maybe not as quickly as I would have liked, but forward just the same.