Numbers

So many numbers scroll through my head like some strange, new number line that only holds meaning to ONE.

2005, 4, 2003, 7, 2001, 9, 2006, 20, 14.5, 10, 1995, 72, 35, 40, 92, 7, 2, 12, 1986, 42, 1990, 1985, 3, etc.

The list could and will go on. An endless array of randomness that is not really random at all. To others it is just a list of random numbers, but to me they represent important memories and moments that have occurred over the past 42 years.

Some bring tears of joy and some bring a sting of pain. The emotions of each number can still my heart. In fact, with some I have to remind myself to breathe. To remind myself that God is bigger than any number. Any emotion. Any breath.

I often get caught up in the numbers of my life instead of living in each moment. So for today I focus on 1. ONE second, ONE minute, ONE day.

Because there will soon be new numbers that will be added to my list. Whether they be full of hurt or full of joy I trust in the One who has walked with me through the others… ONE step at a time.

One Person

For the third year in a row Tina and I participated in the AvonWalk for breast cancer. There’s something that drives me to walk. It’s definitely NOT the fact that I like walking, because I don’t. It’s definitely not the fact that it’s a “walk in the park” because it’s not (although I guess this year it actually was… LOL… because we did not raise enough money we could not participate in the walk so we did our own… at Terry Hershey Park). It’s not because of all the food and snacks provided but I must say that does help 😉

So what does? One word: Nanny. My grandmother, Nellie Elizabeth Walden. Just typing her name brings back a lifetime of sweet memories that I have stored away. Memories that have helped me get through some tough days and continue to. It’s amazing that ONE PERSON can be so influential that even after they are gone you can be drawn to honor them and fight for others that may have had the same disease. “The power of ONE” is so true of my grandmother and oh how I miss her… EVERY day.

Growing up so many people told me that I looked like her. Now we have something else in common. Something I wish we didn’t. Today I understand a little of what she went through during part of her life. A part I did not even know about because it happened long before I was born. It’s a bitter understanding but it’s an understanding. One of those lessons you wish you didn’t know, but you do.

It’s times like these when I wish I could talk to her. Wish I could hear her words of wisdom of how she survived and lived and raised two wonderful children who love the Lord. Wish I could tell her about the walk. About how much I love and miss her and how much she has meant to me. About being single… again. About the loneliness. About the tears that only my Savior sees and that she would understand.

AND about the unbelievable love I have for a God who is jealous for me. The one she talked about and believed in and went to be with when she left us here on earth. That night is so clear and even thinking about it now I have a lump in my throat. The phone ringing and me knowing that my Nanny was gone.

Saying goodbye is never easy. Not in death and not in life.

If having aching feet will help find a cure to a disease that cause other people to have to say goodbye, then bring on the ache. Physical ache is much better than heartache any day.